


Misson Comms are not a Free Sex Hotline Alternative

by anarchycox



Series: Kink Triptych [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Bad Flirting, Flirting, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Sexual Tension, Size Difference, Size Kink, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Voice Kink, all outsider pov, harry make them stop, merlin and eggsy's shenanigans turn harry into a perv, mostly harry, no merlin or eggsy pov, painful for those around them flirting, part three will have the sex, some harroxy flirting, still no sex here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 05:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Merlin and Eggsy are at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed after the revelations of Eggsy's capture. So they decide to drive each other crazy exploiting each other's kink in hopes the person will just make a move.The result?They drive everyone else crazy and somehow don't even end up in bed.





	Misson Comms are not a Free Sex Hotline Alternative

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elrhiarhodan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elrhiarhodan/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [【翻譯】任務通訊頻道不是給你們拿來當免費性愛熱線的 Mission Comms are not a Free Sex Hotline Alternative](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14945600) by [sandykill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandykill/pseuds/sandykill)



"Sir?" the poor man was shaking. "Sir, please transfer me or kill me. And at this point, I almost welcome the sweet release of death."

Harry looked at the man. He was pale, still shaking, and just looking all in all done in. "What's the problem..."

"Davies, sir. In records and archiving. My job is to listen to all the mission exchanges and archive the file appropriately. Been doing it 12 years sir and I need out. Sir."

Harry quickly looked at his computer. "There has been no agent tortured, in the last month. What happened?"

"Galahad, sir." The man swallowed. "He keeps sending Merlin messages. And they aren't on mission sir, but if they are recorded on Kingsman channels we have to listen and sort them." The man looked pained. "So many of you forget to turn your glasses off. We have to be so discreet and pretend we didn't hear...things. And that's fine. But sir, this is too much porn, I can't cope. Sir."

"It cannot be that bad," Harry insisted.

Davies tapped his data pad and Eggsy's voice filled the room.

_Hey Merlin, you awake? Been thinking about you again. Always thinking about you. I think about sneaking into wherever you live, provided all your security doesn't kill me. But imagine waking up because I've been whispering in your ear. How hard would you get in your sleep, just from my voice whispering, begging you to fuck me. Would you hear me? Would you register it? Me no weight on your bed, just sitting beside it, telling you about how I want you to bite my nipples, how slow or fast I want you to work me open. Would it weave into your dreams, make you hard for me. I'd sit there and just talk to you, watch you tent your sleepwear, because no way do you sleep naked, and see how long it would take you to wake up. Would you get restless, move and squirm on the bed, until it was too much and you saw me sitting there? God you'd be so pissed off I violated your privacy, that you'd debate yelling at me, but you'd be so aching instead you'd pull me onto the bed - hard. Fuck I want you to just toss me around, send me flying about. Merlin do you have any idea what I would let you do to me, just to have you looking down at me, covering me up with your long limbs?_

_Merlin would you like to -_

Davies cut it off there.

"Well, finish it!" Harry shouted, rather turned on.

"It is just more of the same and clearly the sound of Agent Galahad wanking," Davies turned bright red. "Sir, Agent Galahad sends these at least twice a day to Merlin and we have to listen to every single one and archive them, because that is company policy." 

Harry nodded. "I see." He was going to kill them. It was a misuse of Kingsman property. Plus Merlin was getting old for this much wanking. He had to going insane, since it had been 3 weeks since the mission and neither had actually attempted to so much as hug the other. "Davies, any files that transfer to the system from Eggsy during non mission hours can be transferred to me. I will archive them for you."

"Thank you, sir," Davies said relieved. "I used to have team members doing it, but they were taking so many breaks afterwards, I didn't understand. But Marshall and Cryden are dating now and that is nice."

Harry wondered how someone who worked at Kingsman stayed innocent, it was impressive to see. "Go take the rest of the day off."

Davies nodded and hurried out of the room.

3 hours later a date file was transferred to Harry. Harry checked that his door was locked and queued it up. He doubted there was any damaging or concerning information in it, but they did have to go through everything recorded.

_Merlin why do you never say anything when I make these calls?_

Because you've made him completely insensible with your voice, Harry thought.

_If you hated it, you would tell me, or cut me off. You keeping these files? Listening to them again and again? Okay then. How's this Merlin? What if I wasn't talking because I was choking on your cock? Because you finally are sick of my teasing, my stories and confront me. Show up at my door, furious at how I've invaded your mind, that you can't stop thinking of me. You stalk into my flat and kiss me. Fuck please crowd me against a wall. Trap me. I hate being cornered, but if you did it? God the mix of thrill and fear would be so intense, I'd be rock hard before you touched me._

Harry was quite annoyed that he was reacting to this. He had no interest in shagging Eggsy, and he didn't have Merlin's voice kink, but this was getting to him. He palmed the front of his trousers.

_I want you to be a little thrilled by the hint of fear I have. I want you to want that as you just push into my space. Fuck I want that first kiss to be hard, furious. I want you to spill all your pent up frustration onto me. I don't even know if I want you to fuck me that time. Or just kiss me and kiss me and tear open my fly and jerk me off, those long perfect fingers of yours almost hurting me, but never quite until I spill on the goddamn floor and then you just walk away. Ugh, Merlin, it would fuck me up so much if you did that, but like in a good way? Or what about -_

Harry had to pause the recording and have a quick wank. He then turned it on and finished listening and sent it to the appropriate location.

When he was home eating dinner, his phone pinged and he saw he had another one. "Again?" Harry frowned. He finished his meal and then listened to the recording, where at least, it was arousing but not so that he had to deal with it and filed it. When he was reading in bed another came through. "Good god, no wonder Davies wanted me to kill him," Harry muttered. He listened, archived, and then had another wank. He had no idea how this wasn't killing Merlin, but tomorrow he would go talk to the man.

************************************

Harry looked at Merlin and just shook his head. "You could just ask the man out and then shag him senseless," Harry suggested. Merlin was a bit haggard. "The message this morning though was...intriguing. Who knew that Eggsy would be so into the idea of -"

"How the fuck do you know that?" Merlin stood up and glared at Harry.

"Because of your policy that anything recorded on the glasses must be listened to and archived properly!" Harry shouted. "Your policy and the archiving team cannot cope with Eggsy's personal calls to you. So you two either need to get burner phones for whatever this is, or realize that I will be listening to every single second of this. Merlin, I am too old to be wanking this much."

"How do ye think I feel?" Merlin roared. "Do ye know how much lube I've been going through, and apparently he is up to three messages a day now."

"Then take any of the suggestions he has in the messages and follow through on them!" Harry shouted.

"No, not until I get some of mine back."

"Get it back on his arse then. In his arse, or mouth, actually go for mouth to just shut him up for a while," Harry begged.

"I don't want him to shut up," Merlin said.

"I do! The archive team does. Well not Marshall and Cryden," Harry added.

Merlin paled. "How many people have gotten off to Eggsy's voice?"

"You, me, Marshall, Cryden, not Davies, but I am sure a couple of others."

"I don't know if he realizes non mission conversations are archived as well," Merlin admitted. "Fuck." He took a breath and thought. "Okay, private server, and I go through them from now on and archive them." He looked at Harry and grinned. "Which one was it that got to you?"

"You are a perv," Harry said.

"Really, shall we talk about your honeypots?" Merlin asked.

"Shag him," Harry begged and left.

*****************************************

"Sir?" Roxy approached Harry in the gym. "You have to make it stop."

Harry stopped running. This was about the fifteenth conversation like this he had had in the last two weeks. "How bad?"

"I just..." Roxy shook her head. "Is Merlin taller?" She shuddered a little. "I feel like he is taller now and he's wearing tighter trousers and gesturing more, and Eggsy can't think. I beat Eggsy on the parkour course, because he saw Merlin stretching?" 

Harry sighed and sat down on the treadmill. "How you witnessed the 'boxing lessons'?" He took off his glasses and pinched his nose.

"Oh you mean the soft core porn that happens over there almost every day now?" Roxy gestured to the ring. "It is creating a pavlovian response in everyone sir. We are all getting turned on by boxing and frankly we are all disturbed and done with whatever this is."

Harry just gave up and lay down on the treadmill. He looked up at the ceiling. "I have begun to feel that maybe they are trolling all of us with this."

Roxy sat on the ground next to him. "I don't think so? I love Eggsy but he couldn't pull it off for this long if it was prank. It's been what almost six weeks now?" She shook her head. "I think they have gotten themselves stuck in this weird cycle of flirtation and want and keep waiting for the other to break and make a move, only it is really really hard to break a Kingsman."

"I'm close to broken," Harry muttered.

"They do have the whole place rather wound up," Roxy agreed and pat Harry's thigh sympathetically. "Even cleaning staff have complained...excess of stains on bedding."

Harry groaned. "Do you consider yourself a kinky person, Ms. Morton?"

"Huh," Roxy thought about it. Bit of a surprising question from Harry, but then everyone had sex on their brain right now. "Not really? I mean I have things I like and don't like. Not sure I melt over anything the way Eggsy does when Merlin is all wrapped up behind him, showing him  _proper boxing form_. Although..." Roxy went silent. "Well great talk sir," she said.

"Well, now I have to know, agent," he complained.

"Ma'am," she blurted out.

"Okay?" Harry turned his head to look at her. "I can call you ma'am if you prefer. Ma'am," he said and watched her pupils dilate. 

"I have a power kink," she said after collecting herself for a minute. "I love power switch, so like I'd love someone strong and in charge, in the bedroom listening to me. Calling me ma'am and obeying my whims. Bonus if I get to fuck them with a dildo or strap on. I have some really lovely strap ons, someone below me, begging me, calling me ma'am, asking oh so prettily to come." She blushed a little. "Sorry, sir, you didn't really want to know that."

"I did ask," Harry said stiffly and quickly sat up. "Excuse me," he said and hurried out of the gym.

Where of course he ran into Percival. 

Who never missed noticing anything and certainly saw Harry tenting his track pants. "Oh lord, is it boxing lessons again," Percival groaned. "I cannot cope, Arthur. You need to contain their madness."

"No, no, the gym is all clear," Harry managed to choke out. He needed to get to the loo or his office.

"Well then, why -"

"Sir, I am so sorry, I spoke too much," Roxy said as she ran out of the gym. "Oh, hi Uncle Alistair."

Percival gave Harry a deadpan stare. "Hello darling. Just you two in the gym then?"

"Yeah, all empty right now," she agreed. 

Percival smiled at Harry. "I would imagine Arthur, that you have business to attend to elsewhere?"

Harry nodded and ran thoroughly embarrassed. 

The sexual tension that Merlin and Eggsy had wrought on everyone had to be brought to an end. Harry was sure that Merlin had put lifts into his shoes just to add extra height over Eggsy. And he was just crowding Eggsy, looming over the lad and Eggsy looked like he wanted to have a heart attack or drop to his knees. The young man didn't even realize how much he was hunching and leaning into Merlin. But everyone else was certainly noticing.

The next time he saw Roxy, Harry accidentally slipped and called her ma'am. She flushed and Harry decided to go murder Merlin. It was the only way to end this.

******************************

"Thank you both for coming," Harry said formally, sitting behind his desk. "Sit." He had two chairs about a metre apart in front of his desk. "Do you know the purpose of this meeting?"

"My upcoming mission to Bhutan?" Eggsy asked.

"No," Harry said. His voice was terse, just done. "You two need to have sex in the next twenty-four hours or you are going to be put on administrative leave."

"Excuse me?" Merlin glared at Harry. "You cannae order us to have sex."

"Look at me, ordering it," Harry snapped. "You two, whatever game you are playing has thrown the whole building into chaos. The scientist are actually trying to see if they can calculate the amount of sexual tension you have created. There are charts. There are likely three babies going to be born because of this madness."

"Babies are great?" Eggsy offered.

"This building is not your sexual playground," Harry's voice was clipped, he was avoiding yelling by the barest thread. "Stop this competition, this playing, whatever it is. Either engage in sexual acts or quit it." Harry shook his head. "How dare you subject people to this?"

Both men looked ashamed. 

"I apologize Arthur," Merlin said formally. "And I will send a written apology to the whole of the staff. I will cease my actions immediately."

"Wot, like all of them?" Eggsy asked. He looked a little panicked. "Like all of them?"

"I have no been behaving as a Kingsman," Merlin said stiffly. He stood up and looked down at Eggsy. "I apologize for my uncouth behaviour."

Eggsy's eyes widened at the way it felt like Merlin was looming over him. "I apologize too?" Eggsy whispered. He cleared his throat and his voice was a little lower than normal. "I'm sorry Merlin, I've been hurting you I think. Can I...is there a way to make it up to you?"

Harry stood up and slammed his hands on his desk. "YOU ARE STILL DOING IT!" he roared. He gestured to himself. "Look, you can't turn off your sex thing and now I'm getting hard. I don't even fancy either of you, but you are just walking sex and you need to stop. I swear to god, I will walk around this desk and strip you both down and put someone's dick into someone else's orifice. I don't even care who or which, but you two are getting each other off and admitting you fancy each other and oh my god was all this bullshit secretly not just about driving each other spare but you both worried that maybe the other didn't like you, it was just about the kink itself?" Harry looked between them and realized neither could look at the other. "Oh my god, you are teenagers. Worse than. You fancy each other beyond the sex things. Now get out of here and get it together." 

"Harry," Eggsy shook his head. "You don't understand. Merlin wouldn't -"

"Yes I would," Merlin said. "I would. I do. Not just your voice. You make me smile. I like being around you. I just thought -"

"No, me too, yeah?" Eggsy said. "I do too." Eggsy stood and moved closer to Merlin. "You're brilliant, not just for your legs."

"His legs are like sticks," Harry snapped. "Trust me."

"I've seen, I like them."

"Like them not in my office," Harry said. "You don't leave for the Bhutan for a week. Neither of you return to the premises until 12 hours before that. Or I will murder you. And there is a line of people who will help me bury the bodies."

"We could go to mine?" Merlin offered.

"Sure, Merlin," Eggsy said. He moved close and had to look up at Merlin. "Hey, what's your name anyways? So I know what to whisper?"

Harry rounded his desk and picked up Eggsy. "His name is Ramsay." He dropped Eggsy outside his door. "Bye," he said and he turned and glared at Merlin and pointed. "Bye," he repeated. 

They finally left and Harry collapsed behind his desk.

He lay his head on the desk and enjoyed the quiet. His phone beeped and he hit a button. "Yes?"

"Sir, the train has been forced to a stop," Davies said in a panic. "And well, the cameras on it...Sir? We would have to archive the footage." 

Harry cursed and hung up on Davies. He turned on the footage and saw that at least they still had their clothes on. Harry hit a few commands into the system and the train got moving again and he turned the chemical bath sprinklers on, viciously pleased when the two sprung apart. 

There was a knock on the door. "Enter," Harry said.

Roxy came in with a file. "Sir, I want to consult with you on my mission to Tokyo?"

"Of course ma'am," Harry replied without thinking. They stared at each other.

"Never mind," Roxy said. "I'll ask Lamorak," she said and ran out of the office.

Harry crawled under his desk and tried to die of embarrassment.


End file.
